5 Things I Now Know About Being the Father of the Groom
Our family had two weddings in six weeks. People often said, “Well, at least one of them is a guy!” or “Aren’t you glad your son’s wedding is second?” As if to imply having a son get married is a breeze, and giving your daughter away is financially and emotionally disastrous. After being the Father of the Groom, here are 5 things I know.
1. It isn’t cheaper
Nothing about a wedding is cheap. Let’s get this straight, you may save a buck or two when your son gets married compared to your daughter’s wedding, but our culture has somewhat tried to divide the wedding cost.
A rehearsal dinner is not cheap, and we had a simple bar-b-que by the lake that more resembled a family cookout than a stately dinner.
Add in the marriage license, officiant’s fee, corsages, boutonnieres, the bride’s bouquet, groomsmen gifts, and the DJ or band, and you are broke.
In fact, paying for a wedding is the opposite of kidnapping. They take your wallet hostage and demand to send your kid back.
From my experience, it is worth the cost to celebrate your son’s covenant with his new bride.
2. It isn’t less emotional
I felt some of the same feelings as I did when my daughter got married, plus when my beautiful new daughter-in-law and dad walked down the aisle, I empathized with her dad. So, my emotion was compounded.
They walked from behind a beautiful rustic old barn, beneath towering Adirondack pines, and down a long-sloped path. Absolutely gorgeous.
You can’t prepare for those moments.
Then you glance at your son, and memories flood of his childhood cancer days, t-ball practice, ER visits, teaching him how to water ski, and talks on our back deck.
Reflection has a way of diving deep into our soul.
I promise, with all that we have been through with our boy, it was highly emotional.
Life was designed by God to connect Spirit, mind, and emotion as we experience the fullness of life. As a man, I work hard to keep my emotions limited to sporting events and anger. The rest of the time I stuff my emotions just as our rugged macho culture has taught me.
However, going through my son’s wedding reminded me how important it is to teach the next generation about Jesus. Especially when it involves emotions.
3. You are overlooked
Other than the jokes, you are basically just another guest. At times, I felt like I was outside of the snow globe watching this majestic moment. But at other times, I had so much responsibility that it was overwhelming.
One of my friends asked me what it’s like to be the Father of the Groom, so I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
That’s what it is like.
It’s crazy.
This tension explains the duplicitous feelings I felt throughout the whole process.
Over the last year, I have learned that to be a good dad of married children I must weave my way through the tension of knowing when to be fully present and when to go off radar while still being supportive.
4. You have NO say
A few years ago, I watched a TV show. The father was instructing his son regarding the upcoming wedding. He said, “They will ask your opinion, but always say ‘no’ twice before you say ‘yes.’ That way they think you care.”
Meanwhile, in the other room, the mother is advising the bride-to-be, “My husband wants to think he is in charge, but he is not. So, give him three choices. He will say “no” twice before he finally says “yes.” So always make your preference third.”
For the wedding plans, we dads are merely followers.
It is a good life lesson, because I am not in charge of my son’s new family.
That is his job.
My job is to offer prayer, support, and encouragement.
Also, not a bad Spiritual lesson to be reminded that I am not the one in charge.
5. Yet, you matter.
Although you might be an emotional and financial wreck feeling overlooked with no say, we Fathers of the Groom matter.
Looking back, my dad was so important to our family, as was his dad, and his dad.
Multiple studies have shown that an involved father contributes to the emotional well-being of their child and provides a strong resource throughout life. From my experience, I have learned that a grown son needs a dad, or father figure, just about as much after the wedding.
Rites of passages, like getting married, are significant mile markers that provide an opportunity to actually pass the baton to the next generation.
The greatest legacy I can pass on to my son and daughter-in-law is found in Colossians 2:6-7
“Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.”
The reality of Jesus was passed on to me from my dad as his father and father-in-law taught him to be deeply rooted in his faith.
I know I matter because God has designed my role as a dad, Father of the Groom, to be one of great significance for the Kingdom.
Dads, the next generation needs us. Even if we seemed to be overlooked at the wedding.
BYRON | CARLA 