Can you be vulnerable?
Is your marriage frustrating or UNDER whelming? Are you finding it tough for the two of you to be on the same page?
When most of us get stuck in our marriage, it oftentimes paralyzes us. It demands so much energy and effort. We find ourselves putting one foot in front of the other. And unfortunately, our cultural mindset is to shut down, quit trying and find connection in other places.
We have yet to meet a man or woman that didn’t want to be loved.
We are hardwired to give and to receive love. Humans were not created to live in isolation and loneliness. We desire connection. But let’s be real, it is a challenge to be vulnerable enough for someone to see deep into our life.
That is the beauty of marriage. It creates a safe place for this to happen. It creates intimacy.
Most guys, and even some women, cringe when we hear words like “vulnerable,” “share,” and “intimacy.” Yet, we love the thought of “being real” and being accepted for who I am – not having to be something I am not.
The norm is not for this to happen. But God’s design for marriage in Genesis 2:24-25 is to bond into oneness as “the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.” To be truly naked and not ashamed requires vulnerability.
Is it easy for you to be open and vulnerable with your spouse? Maybe a better question is can your partner be vulnerable with you?
The older we get, the more we realize being fully vulnerable and “naked” emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically, brings about true intimacy.
The “great theologian” Ashton Kutcher once said, “Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.’”
Importance of Vulnerability in Achieving Intimacy
During our engagement, our expectations of marriage reflected reasonable and God-given desires. We wanted companionship, affection, and someone with whom to share life. However, oftentimes our motives for pursuing these desires are self-centered.
Unfortunately, too many couples enter marriage with a consumer mentality, each person focusing on his or her own happiness rather than that of his or her partner, instead of entering a loving covenant of considering the other as more important than self.
Most engaged couples enter their wedding day with hopes of a satisfying companionship. Why is it that for many excited newlyweds their hopes fade, and isolation replaces oneness? Neither feels loved, respected, or understood. Romance is replaced with boredom. Wonder turns to a wandering relationship.
One thing we have learned is that good marriages require work, commitment, and laughter.
Why Does Disillusionment Come When the Honeymoon is Over?
It is interesting that there is a statistical spike in the divorce rate at about 18 months into marriage.
Disillusionment is the gap between what is expected and reality. H. Norman Wright says, “Every marriage goes through the disillusionment stage – when a new husband and wife run headlong into a gap between what they expected and how it is actually turning out.”
Our unrealistic expectations have to be worked through. This takes time and a commitment to your marital covenant. And it also helps to have a Supernatural God empowering you to love.
Disillusionment can lead to fulfillment when we realize that committed love requires sacrifice. The word sacrifice is defined as “the forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of someone or something considered as having a greater value.” (dictionary.com)
Gary Thomas provides this challenge in his book, A Lifelong Love, “A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make, and you have to keep on making it.”
The church can help you. Most churches offer resources to help married couples connect on a deeper level. LifeWay offers Christ-centered marriage coaching, called Woo Marriage, for you and your church. We were privileged to lead one of the 30 digital courses titled “Intimacy: Connecting on a Deeper Level.” If you desire to “keep on making” your marriage and understand Christ’s pursuit of you, then these video courses can help you overcome obstacles in your relationship.
It’s Why We Need a Savior
Life’s disappointments and irritations and our own self-centeredness remind us of how much we need a Savior.
It makes sense that so many marriages fail. Since Christ is not central for most couples and a consumer view of marriage is the norm, self-centeredness erodes intimacy and companionship. Without Christ, the vows promised at the altar can never be fully realized.
We believe that when couples fully understand Christ’s pursuit of them, their marriage changes for the better. Christ is wooing His Bride, the church, until He returns.
When we stated our vows to love, honor, and cherish till death do us part, we didn’t realize how difficult this would be, but never could have imagined how rewarding and satisfying. God continues to help us connect on a deeper level.
What an incredible privilege to be married!
BYRON | CARLA 