Calling Back to a Younger Generation

3 Reflections from an Empty Nest

Empty nest.

For us this may have been a bigger change than when we welcomed our first baby home. Oh, we longed for a quiet house and an evening of adult conversation – just the two of us.

Nine thousand, two hundred and twenty-six days: That’s how long we invested into the daily responsibilities of our three kids. We spent over 13 million responsible minutes with a kid in our space. Looking back, seems like most of that time was in our mini-van.

Then it happened. We achieved the apex of adulthood – E-M-P-T-Y  N-E-S-T!

We had dreamt of those days, but not prepared for them. Much had changed between the ages of 25 and 55. But what now? As we transitioned into the empty nest phase, we found ourselves thinking of the future and how best to utilize this new chapter of life.

Would we focus this next phase on us? Or would we give our life away?

One promotional attempt to attract us to live in a 55+ “active adult community” asked, “Looking to live life to the fullest?” Then the ad described all of their fun daily activities. It sounded more like summer camp than real life. However, for us living life to the fullest looks more like giving yourself away for Kingdom work. Sorta follow Jesus’ model. 

After we coped with the empty chair(s) at our table, how does a couple visioneer the future?

We want to help empty nesters think through the “Looking to live life to the fullest?” question by providing three reflections from our empty nest. As God prompts us to call back to a younger generation, take a look at these thought-provoking insights from Psalm 78:3-8.

1. Declare wise sayings

Future generations need wisdom. But where does wisdom come from? “For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding” Proverbs 2:6.

We can help them navigate life by sharing some of our own wisdom and experience. But we must enter their world and see life through their eyes. All the while being led by the Holy Spirit.

We must consider them as more important than ourselves. Philippians 2 reminds us to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

TIPS FROM THE YOUNGER GENERATION:  We don’t need pat answers – we want you to put your arm around us and reassure us with brief statements from God’s Word and your experiences that it’s going to be ok.

2. Speak mysteries from the past

Recently I (Byron) was looking for something in our attic, I came across a box my mom gave me. In it was my “valuables” from growing up. I found a scrapbook and letter jacket from my senior year in high school—the 1980 football season—ohhhh! As I glanced through the scrapbook, I got excited reminiscing about the good ol’ days. I love to tell my kids stories from high school. However, my daughter calls them my “glory days that nobody cares about.”

We must be cautious that it’s not about our past experiences.

As we interact with the younger generation, please know they don’t need you to wear your letter jacket reviving the glory days. What they do want to hear are the puzzling moments where a Powerful God showed up and made sense for you.

We should “speak mysteries from the past—things we have heard and known and that our fathers have passed down to us.” (Psalm 78:3) Don’t hide behind a letter jacket. Tell about the praiseworthy deeds of Almighty God as he has worked in your life.

TIPS FROM THE YOUNGER GENERATION:  Invite us into your life...the real you, not the polished silver you. Let us see the tarnish. Through your vulnerability, we get to see more of God. Empower us to take risks, work hard, and care for the garden. All the while, expecting God to mysteriously untie the knots that seem so complicated in life, church, and family.

3. Teach so they might know

Several years ago, we were apart of a church who had many young believers new to the faith. God was doing something special. We were holding on. It was exciting! Until we realized little was in place to teach and instruct them to follow Biblical principles daily over the long haul.

Our bright and talented staff decided to hit pause on a new building campaign to make room for more. We then spent a year focused on what we called “patient discipleship.”

Thus, we extended a call to action for members to give God the space and time to help us follow Jesus better. An emphasis was on “it takes time” for Spiritual formation to do its work.

In our instant iWorld, helping someone slow down to recognize that God is faithfully transforming our lives, may be some of our best work. One needs reassurance to hang in there long enough for the Holy Spirit to transform.

Titus 2 reminds the older to teach the younger by making “yourself an example of good works with integrity and dignity in your teaching.  Your message is to be sound beyond reproach.”

We invest from an overflow of all God is teaching us.

You may be saying,  but I am not a teacher.

Well, to borrow a phrase from Parker Palmer, then “let your life speak.” You have experience they don’t have. But keep in mind, nobody has time (nor interest) for a 25-minute story detailing our glory days.

TIPS FROM THE YOUNGER GENERATION:  Just put your hand on our shoulder, empathize, and help us look forward by reassuring us it’s worth it.  As you come alongside us, teach us to fish, don’t just give us a fish.

Live Life to the Fullest

As you coach them through adversity or ask questions that help them re-center, be sure to encourage them to be patient. Salvation may be immediate, but sanctification takes a lifetime – patient discipleship.

The empty nest years can bring invaluable resources of time, money, and wisdom. While we have enjoyed our time together, we have also been challenged by the caregiving role and isolation that accompanies this season.

As we visioneer our future, we have found it rewarding to invest into the younger generation.

As you are “looking to live life to the fullest,” may you join us in passing on Biblical principles from one generation to the next.

Our hope is “that they might put their confidence in God…and not forget His works.” (Psalm 78:8)

Leave a legacy!

Connect on a Deeper Level

Can you be vulnerable?

Is your marriage frustrating or UNDER whelming? Are you finding it tough for the two of you to be on the same page?

When most of us get stuck in our marriage, it oftentimes paralyzes us. It demands so much energy and effort. We find ourselves putting one foot in front of the other.  And unfortunately, our cultural mindset is to shut down, quit trying and find connection in other places.

We have yet to meet a man or woman that didn’t want to be loved.

We are hardwired to give and to receive love. Humans were not created to live in isolation and loneliness. We desire connection. But let’s be real, it is a challenge to be vulnerable enough for someone to see deep into our life.

That is the beauty of marriage.  It creates a safe place for this to happen. It creates intimacy.

Most guys, and even some women, cringe when we hear words like “vulnerable,” “share,” and “intimacy.”  Yet, we love the thought of “being real” and being accepted for who I am – not having to be something I am not.

The norm is not for this to happen. But God’s design for marriage in Genesis 2:24-25 is to bond into oneness as “the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.” To be truly naked and not ashamed requires vulnerability.

Is it easy for you to be open and vulnerable with your spouse? Maybe a better question is can your partner be vulnerable with you? 

The older we get, the more we realize being fully vulnerable and “naked” emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically, brings about true intimacy.

The “great theologian” Ashton Kutcher once said, “Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.’”

Importance of Vulnerability in Achieving Intimacy

During our engagement, our expectations of marriage reflected reasonable and God-given desires. We wanted companionship, affection, and someone with whom to share life. However, oftentimes our motives for pursuing these desires are self-centered.

Unfortunately, too many couples enter marriage with a consumer mentality, each person focusing on his or her own happiness rather than that of his or her partner, instead of entering a loving covenant of considering the other as more important than self.

Most engaged couples enter their wedding day with hopes of a satisfying companionship. Why is it that for many excited newlyweds their hopes fade, and isolation replaces oneness? Neither feels loved, respected, or understood. Romance is replaced with boredom. Wonder turns to a wandering relationship.

One thing we have learned is that good marriages require work, commitment, and laughter.

Why Does Disillusionment Come When the Honeymoon is Over?

It is interesting that there is a statistical spike in the divorce rate at about 18 months into marriage.

Disillusionment is the gap between what is expected and reality. H. Norman Wright says, “Every marriage goes through the disillusionment stage – when a new husband and wife run headlong into a gap between what they expected and how it is actually turning out.”

Our unrealistic expectations have to be worked through. This takes time and a commitment to your marital covenant.  And it also helps to have a Supernatural God empowering you to love.

Disillusionment can lead to fulfillment when we realize that committed love requires sacrifice. The word sacrifice is defined as “the forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of someone or something considered as having a greater value.” (dictionary.com)

Gary Thomas provides this challenge in his book, A Lifelong Love, “A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make, and you have to keep on making it.”

The church can help you. Most churches offer resources to help married couples connect on a deeper level. LifeWay offers Christ-centered marriage coaching, called Woo Marriage, for you and your church. We were privileged to lead one of the 30 digital courses titled “Intimacy: Connecting on a Deeper Level.” If you desire to “keep on making” your marriage and understand Christ’s pursuit of you, then these video courses can help you overcome obstacles in your relationship.

It’s Why We Need a Savior

Life’s disappointments and irritations and our own self-centeredness remind us of how much we need a Savior.

It makes sense that so many marriages fail. Since Christ is not central for most couples and a consumer view of marriage is the norm, self-centeredness erodes intimacy and companionship. Without Christ, the vows promised at the altar can never be fully realized.

We believe that when couples fully understand Christ’s pursuit of them, their marriage changes for the better. Christ is wooing His Bride, the church, until He returns.

When we stated our vows to love, honor, and cherish till death do us part, we didn’t realize how difficult this would be, but never could have imagined how rewarding and satisfying. God continues to help us connect on a deeper level.

What an incredible privilege to be married!

I Love You!

We never tire of hearing three words: I love you.

A few weeks after I (Byron) first said those “Big Three” to Carla, she found herself in the ER after a physical education class on softball fast pitch mechanics. A big 6’ 5” muscle-head had let a wild pitch go that caught Carla unaware and smashed her jaw.

As she was recovering in the hospital after surgery, I brought her a blender, flowers, and recipes for how to eat for six weeks with her mouth wired shut. You see, as a sophomore in high school, I broke my jaw playing football when I took a helmet under my facemask. It was during those daily hospital visits with Carla that I finally captured her heart.

I think it was the blender, but I am not sure.

One night after visiting hours were over (she did not want me to leave,) she looked me in the eye and mumbled, “I love you!” At least that’s what it sounded like because her mouth was horribly bruised and wired shut.

“What?” I said. “I can’t hear you.”

She gave me a sweet, knowing look and mumbled, “You know what I said.”

Acting as if I could not hear her (really I just wanted her to say it over and over again), I kept asking, what? She would mumble it again and again until she finally wrote on paper, “ILY!”

My heart still pounds as I write these words. I can’t hear them enough. I LOVE YOU!

I really think it was the blender that did it.

Love is Unconditional

Are there any more powerful words than “I love you”? Those three little words express in big ways the deepest virtue a human is possible of, but they can also be used in powerfully manipulative ways. Sometimes when we say “I love you” we attach conditions without even knowing it. We may say “I love you” without realizing we’re saying it to get something in return. We may say “I love you” because we feel valued and want to keep the good feelings flowing. We “love,” but often with all kinds of strings attached.

But love is not a currency for getting what we want. Love is not manipulation.

Love is freely given, without expectation of anything in return. And we all have a long way to go in understanding and living that kind of love.

A love with strings attached is based on how the other person measures up to our expectations; a love without strings attached is based on loving the person just as they are. Married love requires a great deal of safety and intimacy to grow. Therefore, boundaries are a fundamental necessity in loving someone.

So as to gain some insight into how to establish boundaries and demonstrate an unconditional love, LifeWay offers Christ-centered marriage coaching called Woo Marriage. We were privileged to lead one of the 30 digital courses titled “Boundaries: How to safeguard your marriage.” [see woomarriage.com] Learning to love requires intentionality. It asks of us to know our Holy Almighty God in a deeper way.

So, where do I start with a spouse that has hurt me? What if my spouse continually has strings attached to the love they offer? What if I cannot measure up to their expectations?

Love is Kind, Compassionate, and Forgiving

Among the Jewish rabbis of Jesus’ day, forgiving someone up to four times was the norm. So when Peter said to Jesus, “How many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21) he may have been trying to out-do the tradition of their day. Kind of like saying, Hey, if forgiving four times is really being forgiving, what if we bump that up a bit for good measure? It’s as if Peter was trying to impress Jesus with an over-the-top approach to forgiveness.

Jesus, of course, isn’t interested in out-doing the standard to look good, nor in rules for rules’ sake. He’s interested in a change of heart and seeing relationships brought back to their original intent, and so he undercuts the disciples’expectations. Peter’s suggestion may have sounded impressive to everyone else, but Jesus had a different idea.

No, not seven times, he replies. Seventy times seven.

In other words, he’s saying, don’t limit yourself, because you’ll have to extend forgiveness again and again in your relationships. Don’t limit your forgiveness, because people need all the grace they can get.

Kingdom Work is Love

Fast forward a few decades. With the hindsight of Christ’s sacrificial death, the apostle Paul wrote to his fellow believers at Ephesus, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)  It’s a beautiful image not only because it gives us a glimpse of how we are to treat one another; it’s beautiful because it reminds us how the Heavenly Father has treated us.

Kindly. Compassionately.

And if that’s what we need from God, it’s certainly what we need from one another. Forgiving again…and again…and again.

Learning to say “I love you” like Christ demonstrated is a lifelong process. And by building up your partner—loving in ways you aren’t accustomed to and giving yourself sacrificially—you’re not only building up your partner.

You’re building God’s Kingdom.

Expectations for a New Year

Am I willing to set aside my expectations for God’s unexpected work in my marriage?

For several years, on New Year’s Eve we stayed home because of infants. One year we worked on our budget and set financial goals. B-O-R-I-N-G?

Yes, it was! But we were trying to survive, so, it was necessary. We found that the eve of a new year brought optimism, hope, and new expectations.

Marriage is about expectations. Whether dealing with money, sex, or Spiritual formation, any marriage educator will tell you that the key is to have realistic expectations—based on reality.

So why is it, in marriage, that about the time things are going well, the wheels fall off?  

We have found that when things are going well our individual expectations are met. When expectations are not met, well, it rocks our world.

Marital life has taught us to “EXPECT the UNEXPECTED.”

After all, isn’t God in the business of doing the unexpected that is based on reality. When we lay aside our preconceived expectations and yield to what God is up to, He has a way of showing up and working in our lives.

That is faith. The “proof of what is not (yet) seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

Our trust in a Holy God is the fundamental fact of existence that makes life worth living. It gives satisfaction and meaning. We don’t get to chart our marital course. That is God’s job. Our job is to get a handle on what we can’t yet see. “Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen. For by it our ancestors won God’s approval.” (Hebrews 11:1)

Placing our hope in things that matter. Basing our faith on reality. As a result, faith, hope, and love grow all over the place. Our marriage flourishes.

It is precisely that kind of step that Abraham took when he left Ur for the Promised Land.

The kind of step he took believing God’s call to become the father of many nations.

The kind of step he ultimately took when he placed his son on the altar before God.

Having the luxury of looking back sure gives us the confidence to trust God with decisions that sometimes don’t make any sense. It is amazing to see how God used a painful process, like financial management, to do an amazing work in our early marriage.

We are so grateful that a sovereign God walked with us every step of the way. We have seen Him be Provider in some of the most unexpected ways.

We know how painful shattered dreams and expectations can be, but even through the hurt, God teaches us about Himself. Life’s experiences have taught us to trust God even more.

Like Abraham, we can’t see the future. We don’t know what this year will bring. Be careful that you’re not clinging to your New Year’s Expectations when God shows up to do the unexpected. As Abraham experienced, the path God leads you on just might impact generations and generations to come.

Gratitude

a discipline learned through practice

Being thankful. It should come easy this time of year…right?

Actually, giving thanks in all things doesn’t come naturally for us any time of the year.

A new study of everyday language use around the world, published in the Royal Society Open Science journal, found that in informal settings people almost always fulfilled requests, but only 1 in 20 times did they receive a “thank you” for their efforts. 

Thanksgiving Day is a great holiday. It causes pause for us to show appreciation and return kindness. It is an acknowledgement of our gratitude.

Gratitude strikes at the heart of envy and entitlement. It is a discipline that must be learned through practice. But there are great dividends.

A thankful heart and grateful words rest in God’s provision and trust in God’s timing.

Gratitude can be described as:

• a specific behavior – Thank you for cooking that pumpkin pie…it was delicious!
• a personality trait – The gracious uncle everyone loves at Thanksgiving Dinner.
• a feeling – I’m so grateful for my family.

When we focus on the good stuff, the blessing, it improves multiple areas of our life, including relationships, attitude, and even character. In fact, an NBC News “State of Kindness Poll” found that 70% of people would forego a 10% raise for a more gracious boss.

Gratefulness is the very essence of how Jesus, our sinless Savior, lived his life here on earth.  When Jesus shared his final meal with his disciples on the night he was betrayed, the Bible records in Luke 22:19 “He took the bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them.” 

Ann Voskamp in her book One Thousand Gifts references this verse and goes on to explain the meaning of “gave thanks” as the Greek word eucharisteo. The root word is charis, meaning grace. But eucharisteo also holds its derivative from the word for “chara” meaning joy. She goes on to explain that “our deepest joy is found at the table of thanksgiving.”

Jesus gave thanks on the night before facing his deepest suffering – being nailed to a cross and being separated from His Father for the sins of the world. In what seemed to the world as defeat and failure, Jesus knew to give thanks. Thus, at the table, a place of great joy was found.

Do we realize that in our everyday lives the only way to enter the full life is to give thanks no matter our circumstance?  It is so easy to speak the language of discontentment, worry, and self- condemnation never being fully satisfied.

Ann Voskamp reminds us, “Life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask for nothing to change.”

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This Thanksgiving season as we pause to show our appreciation and acknowledgement for God’s provision, may we learn to practice the discipline of gratitude.

It brings great joy!

Marriage Boundaries

What’s the big deal?

The greater the value of something the more it costs to protect it.  Congress budgets millions of dollars to protect the President of the United States.

Your marriage is the most valuable relationship you have. What’s it worth to protect it?

One way to safeguard your marriage from intruders, temptation, and unhealthy behaviors is to set boundaries inside and outside of your marriage. This helps your marriage thrive.

The phrase “setting boundaries” is used a great deal, but what does it mean? What is a boundary?

Boundaries are like fences or chalk lines. Think baseball. It keeps the good in and takes the “foul” out of play. It protects the integrity of the game and what is most valued. For a team to score a run – or better yet, win – both teams must agree to participate within the playing field.

The concept of boundaries is rooted in the nature of God Himself. When God created Adam and Eve, they were allowed to eat from any tree in the garden except for the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This boundary was designed to protect their perfect love not to restrict them. They chose to walk away from God’s protection and provision. As a result, humanity has suffered tremendous consequences.

How do I even know if I struggle with boundaries?

Maybe you’re someone who: 

• desires peace at any price.
• allows your spouse to dictate your life and make decisions for you.
• fears the disapproval of your spouse more than your own discomfort.
• makes everyone else happy but gets completely worn out in the process.
• doesn’t have a voice in your marriage.

If you’re struggling, take some time to think through how the playing field needs to be chalked.

What does it look like to set boundaries?

First, it is important to know there are different types of boundaries, from the physical to the emotional to the Spiritual. A couple must not set boundaries too loose nor too rigid – boundaries must be healthy and in the best interest of all involved. It is a helpful part of establishing a couple’s identity and well-being.

Being able to articulate what is best for you and your marriage begins with simple communication. Here are some examples:

• No. I don’t want to do that. It is not what is best.
• No. I won’t participate in that. It is not right.
• Yes, I want to do that.
• I like that.

Boundaries should be used for the benefit of a marriage, not a means

• to exclude others,
• for selfishness or self-righteousness,
• or for fixing, punishing, or controlling others.

From the beginning of time, our Creator’s desire has been to protect us from any destructive behaviors. God’s goodness is evident in our established boundaries. Marriages are protected. Intimacy is enhanced, and our relationship thrives!

Healthy boundaries must be in place to protect your treasured marriage and position it to be robust.

The greater the value – the higher the reward. 

Can This Mystery Be Solved?

The Why Behind Marriage

Six months into our marriage, I (Carla) began to realize that men are a real mystery. It was puzzling to me why Byron wouldn’t pick up his dirty socks.

And, I (Byron) realized early on that women are a mystery that may never be solved.

Yet 39 years into marriage, we have experienced what the Bible calls a “profound mystery” – God joining two completely different people into one.

“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, this mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

Ephesians 5:31-32

While it is difficult to understand our differences, it is joyously rewarding to appreciate the why behind our union. Ephesians 5:32 follows a familiar passage about “the two becoming one flesh.” And it’s easy to overlook two important phrases that help make sense of being married.

While it is difficult to understand our differences, it is joyously rewarding.

This is a Profound Mystery

According to Strong’ Concordance, the word “mystery” in this text comes from a derivative that means to “shut the mouth of” or to silence. In this case, it is referencing a religious rite – where silence was imposed.

If you think about a good mystery, the plot thickens as you attempt to make sense of the final outcome.  We are on the edge of our seats wanting to know. 

That leads us to the next phrase…

“but I’m talking about Christ and the church.”

Ephesians 5:32

But I’m Talking About

The original language for the phrase “but I’m talking about” is the Greek word – lego which means to “lay forth” – “to break the silence.”

I (Byron) am not the most intellectual scholar, but how I worked my way through seminary was word association. When I saw a word like “lego” and had 3 small kids, the first thing I thought of was “Lego toys” – the plastic building blocks. I connected the toys with this Greek word, lego, which literary means to “lay forth.”

The Lego Group did not name their toy from Greek origin. They actually named it after two Danish words “leg godt”, meaning “play well.”

However, my made-up word picture better helps us understand Greek…lego – “to lay forth” and build upon. I can grasp that. Keep in mind, a very closely related word means to “break the silence of”.

Mystery Solved

Thus, God has used the institution of marriage to “lay forth” to break the silence of; to build on a better understanding of the mysteries of God.

As the world watches the plot unfold of the confusing issues surrounding us, an authentic marriage clearly points to a reassuring outcome that our Creator profoundly loves us.

Let’s Re-Think “Ring by Spring”

Why does “ring by spring” pressure exist on a Christian college campus?  

From UMHB to Notre Dame,

         Biola to Baylor,

                   Wheaton to Ouachita

                            this mindset persists.

The jokes are rampant. The pressure causes misperception.

What is crazy…

         The average age to marry in America is 28 for men and 26.5 for women.

Studies have proven that marital satisfaction increases and the divorce rate decreases when husband and wife enter the marriage covenant at an older age.

So why are students in such a hurry to get to the altar?

         Simple.

                   Cultural expectations.

We create a timeline and list of criteria for choosing a marriage partner. We all have them, whether they’re written down or floating around in our head.

         A timeline of when it should happen.

         A “things I am looking for in a mate” list.

You know, those lists that leaders have their high school kids compose at summer camp during “the relationship talk.” We’re supposed to review that list from time to time and remind ourselves, If I want to marry a queen, then I have to become a king. Or something goofy like that.

But let’s face it. If we’re honest with ourselves, no one ever makes the grade. Not even Jesus would make the cut on many of our lists.

In some way, we all create these mental lists. But often our expectations have little to do with reality and much to do with our fantasies. Consequently, an awful lot of bogus criteria often end up on those mental lists of ours.

What if God’s expectation and list is different from campus culture?

Even if we don’t have a written list of what we’re seeking in a marriage partner, chances are we have some very specific criteria in mind.

         But I’d like to challenge that thinking and take a closer look

                   at those lists and expectations of being married by Spring.

Too often we tend to focus on more superficial qualities in a person,

         the outer veneer,

                   thinking if we meet a person that matches those specifications

                            we’ve found our “soul mate.”

While it’s certainly reasonable to want to spend our lives with someone who we feel could fulfill our greatest longings, what we’re really asking is for that person to be rather super-human; to meet 100% of our needs.

When it gets right down to choosing a mate, it’s more important to focus on criteria closer to the heart like character, values, and shared purpose. Most importantly, find patience to wait until God’s Spirit has wholly developed us.

God has a way of interrupting and re-writing our best-written life scripts.

Be careful that you aren’t clinging so tightly to your own list that you refuse God the right to make modifications.

Asking the Right Questions

Fortunately God encourages us to seek Him about which questions to ask! In James 1:5 of the New Testament God states,

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” 

Once we earnestly begin to seek God’s wisdom, we might be surprised at the insights we receive. What we originally thought might be just the perfect person for us could turn out to be quite the opposite.

When we begin to focus on our Creator and not our own created list or timeline,

         be prepared for many surprises…

                   Spring may be full of flowers and not rings.

Well, at least there are beautiful flowers in the quad.

Do Half of Marriages End in Divorce?

Searching for an answer for 25 years.

Years ago, I (Byron) was writing a seminary paper. As I tried to find the reference for the “half of all marriages end in divorce” statement, I could not find it.

When I looked around the various neighborhoods where I had lived or knew about, divorce existed by not half of any block in the city. Divorce seemed rampant in the churches we served on staff, but no where close to 50% of the membership.

At a marriage conference I asked a marriage expert about this statistic. He simply stated, “It is a misnomer. That stat comes from annually reviewing the number of divorces granted in a county and comparing those with the number of marriage licenses issued that year from the same county clerk.”

As I scratched my head thinking something wasn’t right, he said, “Yep, that stat means nothing…it’s comparing apples and oranges!”

So, I asked my intelligent professorial friend who is a critical thinker. He set out on a two-year journey. His conclusion, “Oh, that is just preacher talk!” But why would preachers use such a negative stat?

So, do half of all marriages end in divorce or not?

What does the research say?

For years, I (Carla) heard my husband process through this question, and it led to frustration each time he heard a preacher, politician, or presenter proclaim it. Finally, we came across a social science researcher, Shaunti Feldhahn who was just as baffled by this question.

In her book, The Good News About Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce, Shaunti Feldhan estimates it is in the 31-35% range, depending on the study. This is all marriages including re-marriage.

So great news, and surprising for us all. Half of all marriages are NOT ending in divorce. We need to scream this from the mountain top!

In fact, according to the Census Bureau, 72% of those who have ever been married, are still married to their first spouse.

Feldhahn goes on to say,

“No-one knows what the average first-marriage divorce rate actually is, but based on the rate of widowhood and other factors, we can estimate it is probably closer to 20-25%.”

Shaunti Feldhan

What message is being sent?

A professor from New York once said, “Statistics are like bikinis, they are interesting what they reveal, but they are crucial what they cover up.”

We work a great deal with college students. The next generation has struggled with the pessimism presented and modeled regarding the marital union. They hear:

• “Marriage is sooo difficult!”
• “Well, half of all marriages are disastrous!”
•  “This is just a starter marriage.”

No wonder some millennials are delaying marriage, living together, and refusing to get married.

Why is this important?

It’s time we present the good news. Marriage has value. Time for us, church, to boldly proclaim what Jesus quoted in Matthew 19:5 when He was questioned about divorce.

Paul then expounded on it in Ephesians 5:31-32, “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

Let’s pray the Holy Spirit motivates us to learn how to love from the life lessons marriage offers. It is time the next generation sees hope – not despair.

What is the Proper Age to Get Married?

When a group of kids were asked about the best age to marry, here’s what Judy, an eight-year old said, “Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”

Five-year old Tom had a different perspective. He thinks, “Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.”

According to the National Marriage Project, the average age of first marriage in the United States is 27 for women and 29 for men, up from 23 for women and 26 for men in 1990 and 20 and 22 in 1960. A drastic change in fifty years.

So, how do you really know when you’re “adult” enough to wed?

Adulting

Throughout history, people have typically moved from childhood to adulthood through some type of “rite of passage.” Our Western culture has replaced this with “going through adolescence.” Children are forced to grow up quickly, yet many refuse to ever grow up and are instead left wandering and wondering.

It takes time to know who you are, and most people in our culture are still figuring it out into their twenties. Unfortunately, most extend this process into the late twenties or early thirties.

Although experts in the 1980’s suggested (heavily suggested) compensating for this trend by marrying later in life, the reality is that age really doesn’t matter—it’s maturity that counts.

Capable—Responsible—Self-reliant

Our long-time buddy Walker Moore, a youth culture expert with forty years of experience, has latched onto something that makes sense of this process.  By studying the “ancient paths” (Jeremiah 6:16) instilled deep within us by our Creator, he writes in his book, Rite of Passage Parenting, that finding our “true identity in Christ, and becoming the capable, responsible, self-reliant adults God designed us to become” empowers us to be who we are and to be free. 

Thus, before one is ready to get married it is important for them to grow up and demonstrate they are capable, responsible, and self-reliant individuals.

“Adult” Enough to Wed

In searching for answers to life’s questions such as this, it is important to look to the model of humanity, Jesus.

Reading about His life in the gospels, we find several marks of maturity:

• Wise – In response to hard questions, he was able to think and communicate without getting caught up in childish games.
• Reliable – His conduct was acceptable and appropriate.
• Selfless– He considered others as more important than himself as he made decisions.
• Trustworthy – He was trusted to fulfill what he said he was going to do.

As we follow Jesus into maturity, that same integrity should increasingly mark our character. One’s character is the determining factor for marriage.

For if you’re going to love someone for the rest of your life, doesn’t it make sense to take responsibility not only for your own life, but to look out for others as well?