I Love You!

We never tire of hearing three words: I love you.

A few weeks after I (Byron) first said those “Big Three” to Carla, she found herself in the ER after a physical education class on softball fast pitch mechanics. A big 6’ 5” muscle-head had let a wild pitch go that caught Carla unaware and smashed her jaw.

As she was recovering in the hospital after surgery, I brought her a blender, flowers, and recipes for how to eat for six weeks with her mouth wired shut. You see, as a sophomore in high school, I broke my jaw playing football when I took a helmet under my facemask. It was during those daily hospital visits with Carla that I finally captured her heart.

I think it was the blender, but I am not sure.

One night after visiting hours were over (she did not want me to leave,) she looked me in the eye and mumbled, “I love you!” At least that’s what it sounded like because her mouth was horribly bruised and wired shut.

“What?” I said. “I can’t hear you.”

She gave me a sweet, knowing look and mumbled, “You know what I said.”

Acting as if I could not hear her (really I just wanted her to say it over and over again), I kept asking, what? She would mumble it again and again until she finally wrote on paper, “ILY!”

My heart still pounds as I write these words. I can’t hear them enough. I LOVE YOU!

I really think it was the blender that did it.

Love is Unconditional

Are there any more powerful words than “I love you”? Those three little words express in big ways the deepest virtue a human is possible of, but they can also be used in powerfully manipulative ways. Sometimes when we say “I love you” we attach conditions without even knowing it. We may say “I love you” without realizing we’re saying it to get something in return. We may say “I love you” because we feel valued and want to keep the good feelings flowing. We “love,” but often with all kinds of strings attached.

But love is not a currency for getting what we want. Love is not manipulation.

Love is freely given, without expectation of anything in return. And we all have a long way to go in understanding and living that kind of love.

A love with strings attached is based on how the other person measures up to our expectations; a love without strings attached is based on loving the person just as they are. Married love requires a great deal of safety and intimacy to grow. Therefore, boundaries are a fundamental necessity in loving someone.

So as to gain some insight into how to establish boundaries and demonstrate an unconditional love, LifeWay offers Christ-centered marriage coaching called Woo Marriage. We were privileged to lead one of the 30 digital courses titled “Boundaries: How to safeguard your marriage.” [see woomarriage.com] Learning to love requires intentionality. It asks of us to know our Holy Almighty God in a deeper way.

So, where do I start with a spouse that has hurt me? What if my spouse continually has strings attached to the love they offer? What if I cannot measure up to their expectations?

Love is Kind, Compassionate, and Forgiving

Among the Jewish rabbis of Jesus’ day, forgiving someone up to four times was the norm. So when Peter said to Jesus, “How many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21) he may have been trying to out-do the tradition of their day. Kind of like saying, Hey, if forgiving four times is really being forgiving, what if we bump that up a bit for good measure? It’s as if Peter was trying to impress Jesus with an over-the-top approach to forgiveness.

Jesus, of course, isn’t interested in out-doing the standard to look good, nor in rules for rules’ sake. He’s interested in a change of heart and seeing relationships brought back to their original intent, and so he undercuts the disciples’expectations. Peter’s suggestion may have sounded impressive to everyone else, but Jesus had a different idea.

No, not seven times, he replies. Seventy times seven.

In other words, he’s saying, don’t limit yourself, because you’ll have to extend forgiveness again and again in your relationships. Don’t limit your forgiveness, because people need all the grace they can get.

Kingdom Work is Love

Fast forward a few decades. With the hindsight of Christ’s sacrificial death, the apostle Paul wrote to his fellow believers at Ephesus, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)  It’s a beautiful image not only because it gives us a glimpse of how we are to treat one another; it’s beautiful because it reminds us how the Heavenly Father has treated us.

Kindly. Compassionately.

And if that’s what we need from God, it’s certainly what we need from one another. Forgiving again…and again…and again.

Learning to say “I love you” like Christ demonstrated is a lifelong process. And by building up your partner—loving in ways you aren’t accustomed to and giving yourself sacrificially—you’re not only building up your partner.

You’re building God’s Kingdom.