Connect on a Deeper Level

Can you be vulnerable?

Is your marriage frustrating or UNDER whelming? Are you finding it tough for the two of you to be on the same page?

When most of us get stuck in our marriage, it oftentimes paralyzes us. It demands so much energy and effort. We find ourselves putting one foot in front of the other.  And unfortunately, our cultural mindset is to shut down, quit trying and find connection in other places.

We have yet to meet a man or woman that didn’t want to be loved.

We are hardwired to give and to receive love. Humans were not created to live in isolation and loneliness. We desire connection. But let’s be real, it is a challenge to be vulnerable enough for someone to see deep into our life.

That is the beauty of marriage.  It creates a safe place for this to happen. It creates intimacy.

Most guys, and even some women, cringe when we hear words like “vulnerable,” “share,” and “intimacy.”  Yet, we love the thought of “being real” and being accepted for who I am – not having to be something I am not.

The norm is not for this to happen. But God’s design for marriage in Genesis 2:24-25 is to bond into oneness as “the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.” To be truly naked and not ashamed requires vulnerability.

Is it easy for you to be open and vulnerable with your spouse? Maybe a better question is can your partner be vulnerable with you? 

The older we get, the more we realize being fully vulnerable and “naked” emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically, brings about true intimacy.

The “great theologian” Ashton Kutcher once said, “Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.’”

Importance of Vulnerability in Achieving Intimacy

During our engagement, our expectations of marriage reflected reasonable and God-given desires. We wanted companionship, affection, and someone with whom to share life. However, oftentimes our motives for pursuing these desires are self-centered.

Unfortunately, too many couples enter marriage with a consumer mentality, each person focusing on his or her own happiness rather than that of his or her partner, instead of entering a loving covenant of considering the other as more important than self.

Most engaged couples enter their wedding day with hopes of a satisfying companionship. Why is it that for many excited newlyweds their hopes fade, and isolation replaces oneness? Neither feels loved, respected, or understood. Romance is replaced with boredom. Wonder turns to a wandering relationship.

One thing we have learned is that good marriages require work, commitment, and laughter.

Why Does Disillusionment Come When the Honeymoon is Over?

It is interesting that there is a statistical spike in the divorce rate at about 18 months into marriage.

Disillusionment is the gap between what is expected and reality. H. Norman Wright says, “Every marriage goes through the disillusionment stage – when a new husband and wife run headlong into a gap between what they expected and how it is actually turning out.”

Our unrealistic expectations have to be worked through. This takes time and a commitment to your marital covenant.  And it also helps to have a Supernatural God empowering you to love.

Disillusionment can lead to fulfillment when we realize that committed love requires sacrifice. The word sacrifice is defined as “the forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of someone or something considered as having a greater value.” (dictionary.com)

Gary Thomas provides this challenge in his book, A Lifelong Love, “A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make, and you have to keep on making it.”

The church can help you. Most churches offer resources to help married couples connect on a deeper level. LifeWay offers Christ-centered marriage coaching, called Woo Marriage, for you and your church. We were privileged to lead one of the 30 digital courses titled “Intimacy: Connecting on a Deeper Level.” If you desire to “keep on making” your marriage and understand Christ’s pursuit of you, then these video courses can help you overcome obstacles in your relationship.

It’s Why We Need a Savior

Life’s disappointments and irritations and our own self-centeredness remind us of how much we need a Savior.

It makes sense that so many marriages fail. Since Christ is not central for most couples and a consumer view of marriage is the norm, self-centeredness erodes intimacy and companionship. Without Christ, the vows promised at the altar can never be fully realized.

We believe that when couples fully understand Christ’s pursuit of them, their marriage changes for the better. Christ is wooing His Bride, the church, until He returns.

When we stated our vows to love, honor, and cherish till death do us part, we didn’t realize how difficult this would be, but never could have imagined how rewarding and satisfying. God continues to help us connect on a deeper level.

What an incredible privilege to be married!

I Love You!

We never tire of hearing three words: I love you.

A few weeks after I (Byron) first said those “Big Three” to Carla, she found herself in the ER after a physical education class on softball fast pitch mechanics. A big 6’ 5” muscle-head had let a wild pitch go that caught Carla unaware and smashed her jaw.

As she was recovering in the hospital after surgery, I brought her a blender, flowers, and recipes for how to eat for six weeks with her mouth wired shut. You see, as a sophomore in high school, I broke my jaw playing football when I took a helmet under my facemask. It was during those daily hospital visits with Carla that I finally captured her heart.

I think it was the blender, but I am not sure.

One night after visiting hours were over (she did not want me to leave,) she looked me in the eye and mumbled, “I love you!” At least that’s what it sounded like because her mouth was horribly bruised and wired shut.

“What?” I said. “I can’t hear you.”

She gave me a sweet, knowing look and mumbled, “You know what I said.”

Acting as if I could not hear her (really I just wanted her to say it over and over again), I kept asking, what? She would mumble it again and again until she finally wrote on paper, “ILY!”

My heart still pounds as I write these words. I can’t hear them enough. I LOVE YOU!

I really think it was the blender that did it.

Love is Unconditional

Are there any more powerful words than “I love you”? Those three little words express in big ways the deepest virtue a human is possible of, but they can also be used in powerfully manipulative ways. Sometimes when we say “I love you” we attach conditions without even knowing it. We may say “I love you” without realizing we’re saying it to get something in return. We may say “I love you” because we feel valued and want to keep the good feelings flowing. We “love,” but often with all kinds of strings attached.

But love is not a currency for getting what we want. Love is not manipulation.

Love is freely given, without expectation of anything in return. And we all have a long way to go in understanding and living that kind of love.

A love with strings attached is based on how the other person measures up to our expectations; a love without strings attached is based on loving the person just as they are. Married love requires a great deal of safety and intimacy to grow. Therefore, boundaries are a fundamental necessity in loving someone.

So as to gain some insight into how to establish boundaries and demonstrate an unconditional love, LifeWay offers Christ-centered marriage coaching called Woo Marriage. We were privileged to lead one of the 30 digital courses titled “Boundaries: How to safeguard your marriage.” [see woomarriage.com] Learning to love requires intentionality. It asks of us to know our Holy Almighty God in a deeper way.

So, where do I start with a spouse that has hurt me? What if my spouse continually has strings attached to the love they offer? What if I cannot measure up to their expectations?

Love is Kind, Compassionate, and Forgiving

Among the Jewish rabbis of Jesus’ day, forgiving someone up to four times was the norm. So when Peter said to Jesus, “How many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21) he may have been trying to out-do the tradition of their day. Kind of like saying, Hey, if forgiving four times is really being forgiving, what if we bump that up a bit for good measure? It’s as if Peter was trying to impress Jesus with an over-the-top approach to forgiveness.

Jesus, of course, isn’t interested in out-doing the standard to look good, nor in rules for rules’ sake. He’s interested in a change of heart and seeing relationships brought back to their original intent, and so he undercuts the disciples’expectations. Peter’s suggestion may have sounded impressive to everyone else, but Jesus had a different idea.

No, not seven times, he replies. Seventy times seven.

In other words, he’s saying, don’t limit yourself, because you’ll have to extend forgiveness again and again in your relationships. Don’t limit your forgiveness, because people need all the grace they can get.

Kingdom Work is Love

Fast forward a few decades. With the hindsight of Christ’s sacrificial death, the apostle Paul wrote to his fellow believers at Ephesus, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)  It’s a beautiful image not only because it gives us a glimpse of how we are to treat one another; it’s beautiful because it reminds us how the Heavenly Father has treated us.

Kindly. Compassionately.

And if that’s what we need from God, it’s certainly what we need from one another. Forgiving again…and again…and again.

Learning to say “I love you” like Christ demonstrated is a lifelong process. And by building up your partner—loving in ways you aren’t accustomed to and giving yourself sacrificially—you’re not only building up your partner.

You’re building God’s Kingdom.

Let’s Re-Think “Ring by Spring”

Why does “ring by spring” pressure exist on a Christian college campus?  

From UMHB to Notre Dame,

         Biola to Baylor,

                   Wheaton to Ouachita

                            this mindset persists.

The jokes are rampant. The pressure causes misperception.

What is crazy…

         The average age to marry in America is 28 for men and 26.5 for women.

Studies have proven that marital satisfaction increases and the divorce rate decreases when husband and wife enter the marriage covenant at an older age.

So why are students in such a hurry to get to the altar?

         Simple.

                   Cultural expectations.

We create a timeline and list of criteria for choosing a marriage partner. We all have them, whether they’re written down or floating around in our head.

         A timeline of when it should happen.

         A “things I am looking for in a mate” list.

You know, those lists that leaders have their high school kids compose at summer camp during “the relationship talk.” We’re supposed to review that list from time to time and remind ourselves, If I want to marry a queen, then I have to become a king. Or something goofy like that.

But let’s face it. If we’re honest with ourselves, no one ever makes the grade. Not even Jesus would make the cut on many of our lists.

In some way, we all create these mental lists. But often our expectations have little to do with reality and much to do with our fantasies. Consequently, an awful lot of bogus criteria often end up on those mental lists of ours.

What if God’s expectation and list is different from campus culture?

Even if we don’t have a written list of what we’re seeking in a marriage partner, chances are we have some very specific criteria in mind.

         But I’d like to challenge that thinking and take a closer look

                   at those lists and expectations of being married by Spring.

Too often we tend to focus on more superficial qualities in a person,

         the outer veneer,

                   thinking if we meet a person that matches those specifications

                            we’ve found our “soul mate.”

While it’s certainly reasonable to want to spend our lives with someone who we feel could fulfill our greatest longings, what we’re really asking is for that person to be rather super-human; to meet 100% of our needs.

When it gets right down to choosing a mate, it’s more important to focus on criteria closer to the heart like character, values, and shared purpose. Most importantly, find patience to wait until God’s Spirit has wholly developed us.

God has a way of interrupting and re-writing our best-written life scripts.

Be careful that you aren’t clinging so tightly to your own list that you refuse God the right to make modifications.

Asking the Right Questions

Fortunately God encourages us to seek Him about which questions to ask! In James 1:5 of the New Testament God states,

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” 

Once we earnestly begin to seek God’s wisdom, we might be surprised at the insights we receive. What we originally thought might be just the perfect person for us could turn out to be quite the opposite.

When we begin to focus on our Creator and not our own created list or timeline,

         be prepared for many surprises…

                   Spring may be full of flowers and not rings.

Well, at least there are beautiful flowers in the quad.

What is the Proper Age to Get Married?

When a group of kids were asked about the best age to marry, here’s what Judy, an eight-year old said, “Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”

Five-year old Tom had a different perspective. He thinks, “Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.”

According to the National Marriage Project, the average age of first marriage in the United States is 27 for women and 29 for men, up from 23 for women and 26 for men in 1990 and 20 and 22 in 1960. A drastic change in fifty years.

So, how do you really know when you’re “adult” enough to wed?

Adulting

Throughout history, people have typically moved from childhood to adulthood through some type of “rite of passage.” Our Western culture has replaced this with “going through adolescence.” Children are forced to grow up quickly, yet many refuse to ever grow up and are instead left wandering and wondering.

It takes time to know who you are, and most people in our culture are still figuring it out into their twenties. Unfortunately, most extend this process into the late twenties or early thirties.

Although experts in the 1980’s suggested (heavily suggested) compensating for this trend by marrying later in life, the reality is that age really doesn’t matter—it’s maturity that counts.

Capable—Responsible—Self-reliant

Our long-time buddy Walker Moore, a youth culture expert with forty years of experience, has latched onto something that makes sense of this process.  By studying the “ancient paths” (Jeremiah 6:16) instilled deep within us by our Creator, he writes in his book, Rite of Passage Parenting, that finding our “true identity in Christ, and becoming the capable, responsible, self-reliant adults God designed us to become” empowers us to be who we are and to be free. 

Thus, before one is ready to get married it is important for them to grow up and demonstrate they are capable, responsible, and self-reliant individuals.

“Adult” Enough to Wed

In searching for answers to life’s questions such as this, it is important to look to the model of humanity, Jesus.

Reading about His life in the gospels, we find several marks of maturity:

• Wise – In response to hard questions, he was able to think and communicate without getting caught up in childish games.
• Reliable – His conduct was acceptable and appropriate.
• Selfless– He considered others as more important than himself as he made decisions.
• Trustworthy – He was trusted to fulfill what he said he was going to do.

As we follow Jesus into maturity, that same integrity should increasingly mark our character. One’s character is the determining factor for marriage.

For if you’re going to love someone for the rest of your life, doesn’t it make sense to take responsibility not only for your own life, but to look out for others as well?

Can Two Really Become One Spiritually?

Most of us are looking for a simple formula to follow God. It is sad, but true, that many Christians are often just religious enough to be miserable, thus God’s ordinances become legalities that exasperate us.

Then we bring these intentions into a marriage where the Scripture declares “and the two will become one flesh” (Mark 10:8, CSB). It begs the question – Can two really become one Spiritually? 

If someone pulled us aside during our engagement and told us that becoming one spiritually would be one of the greatest challenges in our marriage, we would have denied it.

If someone pulled us aside during our engagement and told us that becoming one spiritually would be one of the greatest challenges in our marriage, we would have denied it.

When the honeymoon was over, we began to realize the complexity of growing together in Christ. Reluctantly we have recognized our struggle is due to

individual selfishness,

     ego,

          and pride.

What adds to the difficulty is that spiritual growth takes place daily. In other areas such as money, in-laws, and even communication, a couple can take a break for a couple of days. Only when you begin to understand yourself, and more importantly God, will you begin to understand and experience how two can really become one Spiritually.

In our thirty-seven years of marriage, we can point to three areas that have assisted in this “two becoming one” process.

Practice Oneness in the Disciplines of the Faith

Shortly after our wedding, our faith journey felt like it was on a treadmill. We were busy doing things for God and attempting to impress God. Yet, completely missing Jesus in the process.

We began to realize that discipline brings freedom. The inner spiritual disciplines that we practiced unleashed God’s Spirit in our lives. Experiencing as a couple the disciplines of Sabbath rest, solitude, simplicity, prayer, fasting, and Bible study, can take you off the treadmill and move you forward toward Spiritual oneness.

Understanding True Agape Love

As we strive to become less ego-centered and more Christ focused, we realize how much our marriage relationship facilitates spiritual growth. Our relationship is a constant opportunity for us to live out the truth we believe about God.

Spiritual oneness is one of the toughest issues Christian couples face in marriage because it requires dying to self, but the perks are well worth it.

Spiritual oneness is one of the toughest issues Christian couples face in marriage because it requires dying to self, but the perks are well worth it.

Oneness Benefits

Scripture calls the two becoming one a “mystery.” A good mystery is known by only those who stay connected to the plot. God is in the business of making Himself known a piece at a time.

Spiritual oneness:

• deepens our conversation and thought level.
• deepens our intimacy.
• increases our commitment and compatibility.
• increases our capacity to express love for one another.

To personally unleash the Spirit of God in your life is the greatest thing you can do for your marriage.

Why is Valentine’s Day Sometimes Awkward?

One of our buddies lightheartedly says Valentine’s Day is a mere holiday created by Hallmark. If he is right, it worked. Approximately 150 million Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged annually, making Valentine’s Day the second most popular card-sending holiday after Christmas.

Approximately 150 million Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged annually.

It is a day that celebrates romance. A day set aside to openly express our love and appreciation. Yet, for married couples it often brings awkward pressure.

Our first year of marriage, Byron tried to be so creative. He planned a week of surprises. The day before Valentine, he gave Carla a set of hubcaps. Yep, HUBCAPS! Long story, but it made sense…sorta.

It was fun. And our car needed them?!?

Except the next day in Carla’s office all of the women received flowers delivered to their desks. Byron had planned a romantic dinner, but Carla was so hurt. “ALL the women got flowers…I got hubcaps!”

In defense of Byron, he showered her with meaningful gifts all week, but the last gift was hubcaps. The dinner was ruined with conflict.

We had disappointingly missed each other.

Why is Valentine’s Day so awkward? How can couples take full advantage of such a special day?

Understanding Valentine’s Day

Why celebrate Valentine’s? Various legends say:

• Valentine was a priest who was put to death for continuing to officiate weddings for young soldiers,
• or the church wanted to “Christianize” a fertility festival,
• or it marked the beginning of the birds’ mating season.

Although the truth is murky, the age-old stories emphasize St. Valentine as a heroic and romantic figure.

Make it Personal

There is evidence that the church has been involved in this romantic day for centuries. Why? Not sure, but we suspect it’s because God is love.

God is for meaningful relationships.

God is for romance.

He is in the business of teaching us to love. And we need the help.

Holidays and celebrations help guide us into new perspectives by

• creating a communal remembrance.
• slowing us down to think.
• helping us re-center on what matters.

Therefore, the best way to enjoy Valentine’s is to take a communal event and make it personal. More importantly, determine what works best for you as a couple.

Suggestions for Expressing Your Love

If you have been dating for a week or married for 60 years, hopefully you have learned to express your love by speaking your spouse’s love language—not yours. Thank you, Dr. Chapman.

[If not, take a quiz at http://www.5lovelanguages.com.]

Here are four simple thoughts:

• Be creative. Do something out of the ordinary that truly communicates your love.
• Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Be you, and make Valentine’s week fun.
• Allow Valentine’s Day to be a reminder of Jesus’ sacrificial love for us.
• Most of all keep an element of surprise for your sweetie.

So, take full advantage of “the month of love” by letting the one you love know it. Our recommendation is to avoid giving hubcaps or toasters as you make it a special day.